saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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