after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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