I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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