I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
