I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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