I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Never joke about your clitoris.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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