I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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