If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
