I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It's just like the Real World with babies
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
