I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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