Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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