How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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