We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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