I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
