Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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