You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
