What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
