Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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