life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
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I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
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