Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
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I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
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He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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