I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
