I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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