you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
