My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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