okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
