i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
