If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
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And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
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We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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