I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
