what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
