He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
