This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
