McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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