she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
