Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
