Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
this is an emotional support booty call
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
