We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
