I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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