Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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