I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
