When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
