All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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