My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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