update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
