when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
