I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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