its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
