I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Of course I have a pirate flag
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
