Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
