No awkward lesbian experiences without me
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
