The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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