the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
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He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
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I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize