Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
