I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize