so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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