I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
