If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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