I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
