Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
