Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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