I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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